As parents we all know we are frauds, fakers, inadequate pretenders soon to be found out at any moment, so when a child feels especially proud of themselves, their day or better still - your accomplishments, we hold on to every last word for dear life hoping it will extradite us from the 'real' truth of whom we are. Nothing, I repeat, nothing must or would dare tread on these precious moments of disclosure of course...unless it's your mother!
OK so my mother trod all over my daughters accomplishments and feelings of achievement as every mother does at some point with that classic but cutting remark "what have you done all day to deserve a rest?" Or rather in this particular case "what have you done all day to deserve a rest, other than lift a few marger bricks?"! And I was at the ready with a condoling cuddle knowing how much this one comment would contradict her former sense of self and sense of achievement. It was no lasting issue, no deal that couldn't be undone. But like all good trainee therapists I couldn't waste a good opportunity to use introspection to interpret the relevance to my own life & consequently the therapeutic experience. So here goes...
I could relate to how my daughter would or might feel in response to this comment and I could remember how I might have felt under similar circumstances. This was not a case of transference (which could cause unnecessarily levels of intervention in an attempt to save our former 'selves' from the self we have projected onto the child) but a case of pragmatic recognition caused by the fact that this was my mother. I could acknowledge that my mother was likely to have said things like that in the past, that my reaction was likely to have been similar (or worse) and that my daughter was likely to get hurt by the comment and need comfort. But here's the thing: I could also do all of this from a healed emotional perspective which allowed me to a) speak clearly, promptly and without undue emotion about the situation to my mum b) accept my mothers 'apology' over the situation (minimising isn't a valid appology but it will do) and to recognise that her response was the best given one at the time. So what's the big deal about all this and how does it relate to anger management?
When we are not dealing with potential triggers from a healed emotional perspective it can be difficult not to let anger get out of control. How so? OK, so lets imagine the same scenario as above, but instead let's imagine that I don't have a healed perspective. What do I mean by a healed perspective? Well, several factors might be involved:
• I have not yet acknowledged that there were painful situations in my childhood (denial)
• I have never brought any of those situations into a therapeutic setting
• I have never learned to confront my parent over difficult or painful situations (frustration)
• similar situations or people spark off poor emotional reactions in me (transference)
OK, now these are just a few examples of what an I healed emotional response might look like. So how might any of those manifest into the the 'real' world. Here goes:
If I have not acknowledged that there were painful situations in my childhood then it might mean that I am experiencing denial, however my memory, body and mind may not be experiencing denial with me and this can lead to repressed anger or what we call passive aggression. How might this passive agression become manifest? Usually passive ageession can be 'felt' without any specific deliberate response on the agressors behalf, so the body begins to respond to the anger, the breath shortens, the body language stiffens, the face becomes less relaxed etc. The angry person has antagonised those around him or her without even knowing it - the rest can escalate quite nicely from there. The agressors feels 'justified' because their subconscious bodily response has likely been picked up by everyone else and he or she gets an even more hostile response to their anger...thus feeding into their expectations. How can you know if this description fits you and How can you stop it?
What are some keys signa that you are struggling with this type of agression?
• people often ask you what's up
• people suggest that you seem angry even when you can't feel it
• situations seem to perpetuate themselves without your control even when you try to stay calm
If you think this might be you then I would suggest you get a therapist to take a look at any residual issues you may be carrying with you from the past (this need not be a long process as behavioural therapists work mainly with the present and with goals), what kind of reactions you get from others (there's a saying in NLP that 'the meaning of your communication is in the response you receive), body language and any other issues that may arise. They may be able to work with role play, visualisation, posssitive self talk or any other method which suits you as an individual and which allows you to become positively assertive rather than passively aggressive.
OK, so what if your issue is that you have never learned to confront your parent over difficult or painful situations? Well, as suggested one of the issues this can lead to is frustration. Frustration is probably one of the biggest causes of every day anger, it can be related to feelings of being trapped, used and a sense of there being no alternatives. How do you know when you're struggling with it and what are some suggestions for recovery?
• You often have difficulties setting boundaries
• other people never know when to stop or how much is too much
• You feel trodden on or taken for granted
• You get the sense that no-one respects or listens to your opinion
• You find it hard to express yourself over certain issues
• You feel tired or under-energised for no apparent medical reason
Sound familiar? Right, so how do we tackle it!?
Find a therapist that works with a dynamic, goal oriented approach and start establishing what you want out if life. Being able to see clearly into the future is often the greatest motivation to work in the now. Your therapist should be able to help you:
• Quickly recognise unhelpful thinking patterns or beliefs.
•help you Identify your own life priorities and establish personal goals
• create a therapeutic structure uniquely suited to your personality and needs which will enable you to work toward your goals
• Help you with boundary setting
• Coach you through your desired goals and offer you support in finding constructive ways to work with boundaries
How does all of this contribute to greater anger management? Largely because decreased frustration leads to decreased anger and because often the beliefs that bind us come from childhood. So when we are looking at a situation from a healed perspective we no longer feel locked down or hemmed in by false beliefs carried from our childhood experiences. We are able to see them anew, look at them from a distance and be confident that we are now living fully in 'adult' mode, able to accomplish and achieve what we need when we need to within reason.
Difficulties setting personal boundaries can also internalise themselves and result in physical symptoms. If you feel tired and unenergised for no apparent medical reason then you might want to consider what effect either passive agression or unexpressed anger might be having in your life. Either way, cognitive behaviour techniques are often successful in getting us to get more out of the energy we do have. The immune system functions best when we are happy and fulfilled!
Another aspect of an unhealed emotional perspective can be that similar situations or people spark off poor emotional reactions in us. So in other words, the original trigger for anger is no longer present but when something or someone reminds us of something which made us feel powerless or frustrated in the past we respond to them as if they were current. Did being spoken to by my mother in a similar manner to the way she spoke to my daughter just now make me feel powerless and frustrated at the time? Incredibly so! But with the help of a good therapist I was able to redress my emotional perspective on what I experienced as a child and what I now expect as an adult. Without the valuable tool of professional intervention a simple comment like this was capable in the past of sparking off such intense anger that it would lead either to suicidal thoughts or unreasonable outbursts - incredible really when you think that all of this could have been adjusted some time ago by simple, consistent, professional cognitive behaviour therapy.
Transference can cause a variety of problems from subtle game playing to sudden violent emotional outbursts - either way not particularly helpful reactions. Therapy allows us to recognise what we are experiencing and leaves us with a variety of options about we will respond, rather than react.
Well, those are my observations from yesterday's sentence.
No comments:
Post a Comment