What is discouragement?

Over the last few weeks I've felt alive and raring to go over a new goal/project/life change that I had been anticipating. I spent night & day researching this new area of interest pouring over the Internet, dreaming about the future and imagining every nook & detail about everything it would involve. Then two days ago I received an email from a joint partner in this project indicating that I wasn't showing enough enthusiasm or commitment to this life-changing endeavour, after struggling through my emotional response for two days I came to a point of emotional collapse about it all today, I had no feeling, emotion or desire to continue at all. What had happened and how did something which had set me on fire draw a complete blank the next day?

What I was experiencing was discouragement. But what are the mechanics of discouragement, why do we experience it, how can we overcome it and how can we avoid causing the emotion in other people?

Discouragement can be thought of as an emotional response to having an idea, inclination or desire 'squeezed' out of us, usually by control, criticism, manipulation or over-keen external direction. William Boekestien in his article on parenting explains: "The word [discourage] literally means to lose energy or passion. Discouraged children lose hope, stop trying, and give up. When children say, “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t matter,” they are often conveying discouragement."* So as William explains, discouragement means to 'dishearten' or disempower another person leaving them with a feeling of not caring or not wanting to continue. What kind if behaviour in us can provoke discouragement in others?

• Not allowing an idea to formulate naturally and at its own rate

• Being overly directive or critical

• Not showing enough interest in a project or person or showing interest at the wrong times during the project

Just as a flower needs time to grow, bus and blossom so an idea takes time to formulate in a persons heart. People work on new ideas, self-improvement or learn in different ways and at different rates. Some people rush out quickly as soon as an idea comes to mind, others mull over it for ages considering every permeation. When someone does not digest and/or act on ideas at the same rate as us it may become a source of irritation to us and we may become impatient trying to 'gee' the person up, but this is as inappropriate as trying to prize the leaves of a budding flower apart! A similar thing can happen when we are being overly directive or critical, we may think we are being helpful but we may be very literally stripping the 'power', 'heart' or 'courage' from a person by not allowing them to undergo their own emotional process. Failure to show significant interest might have a similar effect.

So what can we do if we find ourselves discouraged or have discouraged someone else? First of all if we have been the source of discouragement

•Apologise 

• Try to focus on positive aspects of the persons progress

• Check your own expectations

Be the first to apologise for any hurt or crushed feelings you may have caused. An apology should be sincere so will involve you thinking about the situation differently, therefore try to focus on what has been achieved so far. If nothing visible has been achieved try to meditate on the mindset of the person, how they may have made progress with changing their thought pattern, researching a concept etc. if you don't know how far they've got - ask! If they haven't even thought about it yet, find a way of gently encouraging them through the thought process.

If none of the above work and you still find yourself angry or prone to patterns of behaviour which might later become discouraging then maybe you need to check your own expectations. Ask yourself if your enthusiasm for this change, project or thing really warrants the level of discouragement it might be causing in others? Can you change your expectations? If you don't feel you can change your expectations can you learn to have a more tempered response when other people don't meet them?

If you have become the recipient of discouragement then perhaps you could try the following:

• Pull away from the situation or person through whom you feel discouragement for a while & refocus your mind on something else

• Evaluate how much you want this project/change/goal for yourself and decide if you would still peruse this goal if this situation or person where out of your life

• Decide if you need to work alongside the person or situation which is causing you discouragement. Can you do this alone?

• Visualise this project or goal in its entirety without limitations. Seeing the bigger picture can often help us to carry on.

Discouragement need not be a permanent state we enter but can be viewed as a temporary setback that helps us to re-evaluate our perspectives and goals. Sometimes discouragement helps us to bounce back stronger and with more effective resources. 

I hope you found this article helpful.

* quote taken from: http://www.ligonier.org/blog/5-dangers-avoid-parenting/

Photo courtesy of: http://www.writebalance.com/2011_07_01_archive.html?m=1