There is a saying: "expectation postponed is making the heart sick"
Expectations which are not met can cause an increase in stress levels, contribute to relationship breakdown and decrease happiness but how so? What can we do to stop our personal expectations from affecting our happiness?
I remember a conversation years ago in which one of my brothers asked my mother if he could have new trainers, my mother protested that he had only recently been bought a batch of expensive clothing; "but that didn't count" complained my brother "because it was my birthday!".
Wow! How much expectations had changed since I as the older sister was a child when some birthdays were virtually ignored due to poverty.
When something is expected of you then when it does arrive it is not usually greeted with the awe, respect, reverence or gratitude one might enjoy. Equally, when expectations are not met this can easily lead to anger in ourselves or the person whose expectations we have failed to meet. Sometimes we are not aware that anything was expected of us or what it was that was being expected and we can feel frustrated and angry when friendships and relationships break down as a result of unmet expectations.
When is an expectation reasonable?
There is probably only one relationship in which the idea that expectations should be met in order for the relationship to continue and that is a contractual relationship such as you would find in a work environment. It is reasonable that the employer or contractor would have expectations of the person they employ or hire to do the specified job and that the employee or contracted person would need to meet those expectations and have expectations in return. In this instance the contract serves as a agreement between them and if those expectations become breached it is reasonable that either party would re-negotiate the terms or terminate the contract.
What about the marriage contract?
As I am not a marriage counsellor it is difficulty to enter this subject fully. The wording of a marriage contract may very from country to country and state to state but usually the concepts within a marriage contract are subjective and open to interpretation. In certain countries particular acts such as adultery would be seen as a direct breach of the marital contract and would therefore be a legitimate way of terminating the contract. However, because of the romantic nature of marriage it can also be counted as a relationship. A couple may want to take a purely legalistic view of the marriage as a contract or they may want to consider the underlying friendship behind the marriage as a basis for where they take their counsel, in which case the following observations about expectations may be more relevant than those which apply merely to a contractual arrangement.
What to expect from friends
So, what is it reasonable to expect from friends? Perhaps the best answer to that is - nothing!
But you might answer...isn't it reasonable to expect respect and loyalty from a friendship? No, because an expectation is accompanied by the idea of entitlement, and we are not entitled to demand respect or loyalty from another. What another person feels or how they behave toward us is their business, what we accept from another however is our business and herein lies another key to successful anger management.
We cannot control or change what others feel, think or how they behave toward us or others. Let me repeat: we cannot control or change what others feel, think or how they behave toward us or others, the only thing we can truly change is our response. The quicker we grasp this concept the easier the shift from expectation to boundaries is Made. Boundaries protect us,expectations attempt to control or limit others. So here is a key point to remember when you are trying to work out what is a reasonable response to someone else's behaviour:
"Boundaries protect us - expectations attempt to control or limit others"
Most of us to not like to feel we are being controlled or that our behaviour is being limited, but we may respond well to being shown how our behaviour could improve the quality of our relationships with others. If you imagine a situation where someone has tried to control you or your behaviour and then imagine that situation again as if that person had really wanted to be your friend and merely wanted to explain how your behaviour might damage or mitigate the bond you have, you have the right sort of picture. This simple shift in thinking can change your angry demands into warm entreaties.
The Danger Zone - Control through knowledge
The important thing to realise however is that the shift needs to be in our thinking and not just in the way we approach getting what we want. To make the shift from demand to appeal without truly understanding that we are not entitled to anything other than a fair hearing will simply mean that we begin to use improved communication to get what we want - this is called manipulation and many people these days are highly skilled at getting what they want through skilled linguistic manipulation. To truly be free from the anger that postponed or unrealised expectation causes we must actually release our expectations from others entirely. Impossible you say - just try it! Releasing others from our expectations of them could be one of the most powerful tools for your own emotional happiness available to you.
Releasing yourself from the jaws of your own expectation
How we treat others is usually an extension of how we think about ourselves. So release yourself first from the power your own expectations have over your own life. What do you regularly expect of yourself? Where did these expectations come from? What would happen if you didn't meet these expectations of yourself? Try meditating deeply on some of these thoughts. You might start wondering if you would have any boundaries, if you would still feel motivated to do what you do in every day life? These are realities that can and need to be considered. Don't do anything just yet - simply explore the subject of expectations and see where it leads you. If what you discover is particularly revealing you might want to book yourself a few sessions with a trained counsellor or life coach to help you talk through what you are discovering. The same might also be true if you are struggling to unblock the idea of living with expectations.
But what if the idea of releasing yourself and others from your expectations or even releasing yourself from others expectations of you seems without limits, too scary? Perhaps we need to start looking at the idea of boundaries and motivational forces.
Boundaries
Often when we think about boundaries we imagine the boundaries others have put in to keep us out such as fences, parameters and school rules but everyone needs to create personal boundaries. Personal boundaries are about knowing what feels comfortable for yourself and what goes not. Personal boundaries say: "this is as far as I am prepared to go at this time" or " this is as far as I am prepared to take you at this time", and they can change. We are allowed to set boundaries based on feelings and we often have to. Boundaries are about personal comfort rather than rules and we may change them from time to time or from person to person. Working with personal boundaries is far different from living with expectations because expectations seek to control the outside, whereas boundaries are concerned with regulating the person inside - you! Often we are not able to work out where our boundaries are until we release ourselves from expectations.
Motivation
Another fear people may sometimes have when releasing expectations of themselves is they they won't be motivated to do the things they normally do.Sometimes this is true and sometimes it raises some very serious life questions in people. But very often we find they much of what we feel we 'ought' or 'must' do is also accompanied with a sense of what we 'want' to do or actually like. For example: if I have an expectation of myself which was also an expectation that my mother had of me that I clean my house every day, loosing that expectation might release me of the fear, guilt and feelings of being useless that I normally subject myself to should I choose to miss a day of cleaning and go for a walk in a park instead, but the part if me that really enjoys having a clean, tidy house might make me feel motivated to do it later or to catch up the next day. I am therefore released from expectation but non-the-less still motivated!
Fear of other people's failures
But what if releasing expectation from other people will result in them not performing up to scratch, not bring able to give you what you need or some other seeming disaster? You may feel change is impossible to effect without you being in control. But ask yourself, what is my expectation of others doing to myself, my body and my relationship to others? Think of a time you felt angry with another person because they did not meet your expectations: how did you feel physically? Did you have lots of energy when you realised your expectations had not been met? How did you behave? How did other people respond to you? In short...is your anger over other people or yourself not meeting your own expectations really worth it?
You may want to consult a professional anger management team, life coach or therapist to discuss some of the ideas in this article or to help you make changes in your responses to others.
* Quote taken from the bible book of proverbs Chapter 12 verse 13
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