What triggered me wanting to write this post is a common scenario one might get on social media. You know, the flippant, funny or even enquiring comment misinterpreted that quickly escalates into an argument or difficulty which become a difficult to back out out?!
The written word of course has no tone or facial expressions to accompany, soften or abate the meaning. Feelings can easily escalate and once a time is assumed it can be reinterpreted no matter how hard the struggle.
But what causes angry misunderstandings of words - written or spoken? Is it not often that which we expect to hear or have become accustomed to hearing? Even if what we have become accustomed to hearing is unpleasant, it forms a chemical bond within the brain which forms as memory. And though we may not be subject to the exact experience - our brain searches for a pattern so that it might quickly file the experience, ascertain its potential level of harm and create a response.
All too often though our filing system is in error and that error does not allow for us to experience each new encounter with its fullest potential. This can rob is of joy and the recipient of our faulty filing system! So what can be done? Here are a few steps to consider:
- Take a step back before replying
- Ask for clarity
- Remember to give the other person the benefit of the doubt
- Look for the light in the situation
Taking a Step back
This isn't just about how you or I respond to an event, spoken word or written comment. This is about retraining the brain so it does not become stuck in patterns. There can be very few situations which require an instant answer. Even within a face-to-face confrontation it can sometimes be possible to ask for a moment before responding. If the comment or potentially offending interaction is online you can even take time to stop, breath, analyse your own emotional reaction - or walk away and have some tea, a run - anything before replying.
Not only does taking a step back help you to regroup your mind but it also allows the brain chemistry time to reset as anger is often a learned response as we have seen in earlier articles on this blog.
Ask For Clarity
Yes, it's OK after taking a brief or otherwise moment to ask for clarity on a comment or situation. Sometimes this won't be well received either but it's worth a go. Defensiveness may be the persons way of attempting to back down. As resolve and peace are your aim let a person use this as a method of reversal rather than challenge it. It's all too tempting when we see an inconsistency to go chasing after it. Recognise defensiveness as an admission of guilt and withdraw into a peaceful place within yourself.
If clarity results in a different version of what you thought you heard or what your brain chemistry wanted you to hear then accept it with grace. Allow your mind to believe that other options are possible and that your past experience may want to add a new set of dimensions to its already existing catalogue of experiences. Always be willing to believe. It's possible to do this with a measure of caution that allows enough distance for error but without alienating the other person.
Remember to Give The Other Person the Benefit Of the Doubt
Why would we give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Simply because it's what we would want someone to do for us. If we've ever been misjudged not been given the benefit of the doubt then we would know how painful that can be. Judgement hurts - so don't dish it out.
Another reason to give a person the benefit of the doubt is because we may gain a new friend or at least have a refreshing new experience of we do. It's all too easy to limit our experience to those around us we already know or love and whom we understand. But that is not really the meaning of the human experience. Travel is not something we merely do with the feet - it is also undertaken with the mind. If we never give anyone the benefit of the the doubt then we are closing our minds to new experiences and confining our brain chemistry to an already existing set of parameters. Don't
Look for The Light In the Situation
Even if a person is in fact being horribly rude and offensive - can you find the light in the situation? There is might everywhere and there are often elements of truth in what people say - even when it's stated in an I kind of uncouth manner. Can we Thanks the person for their observations? Can we make fun of ourselves? If so, try to do so with it using it as a chance to belittle or mock the other person back. It's surprising how little fun trolls get out of kindness and hummility.
Having said that we do need a standard. There is of course a cut off point. But they cut off point should not be peppered with any air of retaliation. It merely needs to be literally that - the point at which we cut off. A word of warning though, do not cut off before you have tried the previous steps and do not cut off because you feel a sense of superiority. Cutting a person of who has communicated clumsily or in a way we don't enjoy can result in loneliness and isolation for that individual and should never be vindictive. If it is the world will become a Mic smaller place - and so will your mind!
Please leave a comment below to share your thoughts!
Nice 👍
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