Just How Dangerous Is Jealousy?
Harbouring intense jealousy is like covering yourself in petrol and hoping no-one will light a match! On the other hand, even a slow-burn jealous attitude can cause chronic emotional blunting and detaching. So what exactly is jealousy and how can we overcome it?
What is Jealousy?
At a very basic level jealousy is an emotion which informs us that we lack something which feels fundamental to us is actually missing. This emotion is harmless in itself - even beneficial. The problem with jealousy is that the awareness usually comes through someone else having the thing we need! The reason why jealousy is so hard to deal with is because it comes with an immediate displacement issue - we project our desire to have said missing element in our lives into a hatred for the one through whom this lack occurs.
Why is it so harmful?
Jealousy is harmful because it's basically such a strong and instant projection that we don't have time to recognise the principle factors involved in the emotion. Jealousy is therefore a type of delusion because the person suffering from it believes at least temporarily whole-souled that the object of their emotion is another person or thing.
How Can Jealousy Inform us?
As readers will know from my blog, I feel that all emotions are simply there to inform us and that once we realise what they are trying to inform us about then we can act quickly to work towards using that information in a practical way. Jealousy is perhaps though one of the most informative emotions we can have because once we realise that the emotion is not being caused by a person or force outside of ourselves we can easily focus on what is was that the person had that might have triggered off this concealed 'awareness' of our lack. We also therefore have the power to act. Let's illustrate this point:
example: You feel jealous of your best friend's relationship with her boyfriend.
You could easily conclude that you want to take her boyfriend for yourself - jealousy makes us feel this way because it's a temporary delusion focused on the projection of an emotion but is not healthy as you can not take another person's boyfriend - especially a friend.
How about some other emotional possibilities. Is your jealousy perhaps informing you that a) You actually desire a relationship of your own b) you admire the qualities in her boyfriend and wish your own boyfriend had similar qualities c) you miss the time you and your friend had together before her boyfriend came along?
Only you can really decide what is going on inside you but you can discern which sane alternative fits you. Evidently if you are jealous then you desire something you currently don't have. Try to spend some time away from the situation so that you can gain a grip of what this emotion of jealousy is really telling you.
The Next Step
The next step is of course using the information to tell you what you need to do next. Now we've already eliminated stealing the boyfriend or murdering your best friend as irrational actions based on a temporary delusional way of thinking so that only leaves us with some practical options based on the information you have gained. For example: if your answer was a) you actually desire a relationship of your own then obviously this is an idea you may want to focus on, however, likely some part of you may not feel as if this is possible for you and it might relate to why instead of just allowing your friend the freedom to enjoy her relationship you have become jealous, this in itself is information and any feelings of inadequacy that arise when examining your feelings must also be treated as useful and not fed back into the delusion.
A similar line of reasoning can be used with examples b) and c) you simply need to bring your whole self into the process to be able to find the information most useful and relevant to you and then to work with the solutions. However, because jealousy is an irrational emotion it often means that there is underlying issues that are affecting your ability to simply feel that you can obtain the things you need in your personal life - this is where counselling or life-coaching may be useful.
How You Can Help Yourself
The problem with jealousy is that it is pervasive. Jealousy also has a strong effect on our physical being and can make us sick. Working with the emotion of jealousy can trigger emotions and reactions that relate to trauma as far back as our childhood, it might call to the heart past rejections and failures which can be very painful. Jealousy often gets carried around in our body like a stabbing pain, often sitting in the stomach or bowel area. Whilst working through our needs, perhaps with a counsellor or coach we may need to take some daily action to keep the pain of jealousy at bay. Some very simple ideas can be:
- Engage in physical activity
- Do things you enjoy which also build your self-esteem
- If your jealousy is focused on one particular person try to spend some time with other people you like or meet new people
- Keep busy
- When pangs of jealousy take over do something soothing for yourself
- Write a list of all the things you feel grateful for in your life
Keeping busy isn't just about shutting the pain of jealousy emotions out but also about regaining some element of self-respect which has gone missing from your life. Try to work through with a counsellor of life coach some of your life goals and desires, look forward to the future for yourself and try not to imagine that past failures have any part on what is going to happen to you achieving your future goals. Work on loving yourself.
Overcoming jealousy isn't easy, it takes time. Like all emotional work the answers may come slowly and at times the work will be painful - even agonising. However, it is worth your while. Being able to walk forward and achieve what you need to in life is the reward for putting in emotional effort toward your life-work.
(feel free to leave feedback or comment)
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